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The Better Behavior Show with Dr. Nicole Beurkens

May 29, 2019


My guest this week is Dr. Joan Rosenberg, best-selling author, consultant, master clinician, and media host. Dr. Joan Rosenberg is a cutting-edge psychologist who is known as an innovative thinker, acclaimed speaker, and trainer. As a two-time TEDx speaker and member of the Association of Transformational Leaders, she has been recognized for her thought leadership and influence in personal development.

Dr. Rosenberg speaks on how to build confidence, emotional strength, resilience; achieving emotional, conversational and relationship mastery; integrating neuroscience and psychotherapy and suicide prevention. An Air Force veteran, she is a professor of graduate psychology at Pepperdine University in Los Angeles, CA. Her latest book, 90 Seconds to a Life you Love: How to Master Your Difficult Feelings to Cultivate Lasting Confidence, Resilience and Authenticity, has just released at the beginning of this year.

In this episode, Dr. Rosenberg and I discuss the “top 8 unpleasant feelings” that parents encounter. She provides parents with practical strategies that teach enhanced emotional self-insight and lead to better parent-child relationships. Using these strategies empowers parents to manage their feelings, control their reactions and become better emotional role models for their children. Learn more about Dr. Joan Rosenberg here.


The Top 8 Unpleasant Feelings

  • Sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, vulnerability, embarrassment, disappointment, and frustration.
    • These 8 feelings are common and universal to everyone's experiences
  • With these strategies, parents can be healthy role models of these feelings for their children
  • Both pleasant and unpleasant feelings are important for children to understand and develop versus feeling restricted or withdrawn from certain feelings


What is Frustration Tolerance?

  • The ability to experience and manage the right emotion in any situation
  • If a child does not learn to experience and manage their feelings, a clear carry-over effect into adulthood occurs
    • Examples: not handling relationship breakups well, poor handling of employment settings and emotions, etc…
  • It is important for parents to be able to tolerate their child's emotional discomfort as well as their own


How to Manage Feelings As Parents

  • Use the formula: One choice + 8 Feelings + 90 Seconds
    • The choice is an openness and willingness to be aware of and in touch with as much of your feelings as possible
    • Detect one of the 8 feelings and be present
    • Give yourself 90 seconds to understand what you are feeling through bodily sensation
      • The rush of these feelings and bodily reactions typically last 60-90 seconds
      • Notice what you are experiencing in your body, tolerate the bodily sensation and ride the wave to the other side of the 90 seconds before reacting
      • I.e. the heat of cheeks flushing from embarrassment
  • By staying present to the feeling and bodily sensation you will gain insight on the decision you need to make and the action you want to take


Understanding Anxiety

  • When we talk about anxiety we must decipher and be aware of how and when we use the word to define a specific feeling
  • Anxiety is oftentimes used to describe other feelings such as vulnerability and fear
  • In this way, the word “anxiety” is misused as a cover for other unpleasant feelings that are actually occurring


Switching Up Your Language As A Parent

  • Am I? Can I? Will I? Do I?
    • All of these foster doubt
  • Switch those questions and reframe them to statements: I am, I can, I will, I do
    • All of these foster an experience of confidence


Understanding Resilience

  • Know that resilience is a learnable skill that we can all practice and improve
  • Think of resilience as being tied to attitude: “I’m open to change”
    • Having an openness and willingness to face change is a key aspect
  • Understand that “failure” too is a key aspect and is always a learning opportunity
    • This way you do not get knocked over each time you face an obstacle
  • Reach out of help and use your resourcefulness
    • Acknowledge your emotional needs and limitations so you know when you need to ask for help shows your emotional strength

Where to learn more about Dr. Joan Rosenberg...


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